We all know Baker is going to win.

Normally I wouldn’t make a definitive statement like that, but this one seems so secure that I feel ok saying that. Watching the Heisman Trophy ceremony on Saturday night will be like watching a victory parade for OU fans. There won’t be much suspense or mystery this year.

But the true suspense will be guessing which Baker Mayfield accepts the Heisman Trophy. Will it be the brash, trash-talking, crotch-grabbing, flag-planting, head-hunting, on-the-field Baker Mayfield? Or will it be the polite, buttoned-up, somewhat shy, sleepy-eyed, off-the-field Baker Mayfield?

Of course, it will be the latter, but boy it would be fun if it was the former. Here are the sample speeches I wrote for each version of him. I told him he could choose which one he wants to give based on how he feels when he wins.

And the Heisman Trophy goes to…Baker Mayfield of Oklahoma

[Billy Sims off camera] BOOMER BOOMER BOOOOMMMEERRRR*

Good Baker: “Sooner. Thanks Billy. Wow. This…is so humbling. I have been here the past two years and watched two other incredible football players win this award. To be in their company, along with the company of these other greats of the game is amazing. I could never have made it here without the support [BOOOOMMMMEERRRRRR]…Thanks Billy. Without the support of my family, my coaches, and all my fellow players….”

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And the Heisman Trophy goes to…Baker Mayfield of Oklahoma

[Billy Sims off camera] BOOMER BOOMER BOOOOMMMEERRRR

Bad Baker: “SOOOONNNNERRRRRRR. HELL YEAH BILLY”

*runs around stage high fiving all the other Heisman Trophy winners, does the Horns down to Earl Campbell and Ricky Williams, asks Eric Crouch who is he is and why he’s on stage*

First of all I’d like to thank every coach who didn’t offer me a scholarship.

*lists every single FBS coach who didn’t offer him*

And especially you, Coach Kingsbury. Without you I would never be here. Because without you, I would have been the QB of Texas Tech for four years, throwing for thousands of yards and finishing 6-6 every year. If you had treated me right I would have accepted that scholarship and stayed in that terrible town. Thanks Coach, hope you enjoy your contract extension for making a bowl game once every five years.

I would also like to thank Mike Gundy for allowing me to have more Bedlam wins than him.

I’d like to thank Art Briles for getting exposed while I was in school and making the Big 12 easier.

Thanks to Ohio State for being so welcoming to me when I came and burned their house down.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Matt Campbell. Coach Campbell, you’re the only current Big 12 coach who has beaten me. When you look at the coaches who have beaten me, they mostly get promotions within two years. Tom Herman beat me at Houston and got hired by Texas. And Charlie Strong beat me at Texas and moved up to USF. So good luck Coach!

I meant to save a final thank you to the players of Kansas who didn’t shake my hand, but I couldn’t remember their names because I’ve literally never heard of them in my life. Like, we didn’t even watch Kansas film before we played them. We watched “Little Giants” every day that week in case the Jayhawks tried to run the Annexation of Puerto Rico on us.

[BOOOMEERRRRRR]

Thanks Billy.

Alright, where’s Johnny Manziel? Johnny come stand next to me and show people how much smaller you are than me. Stop comparing me to Johnny everyone. Johnny weighs 165 lbs and 25 lbs of that is in his size 15 feet.

So, NFL teams, feel free to draft me in the first round because I am nothing like Johnny. Except you, Cleveland. In your case I am exactly like Johnny Manziel.

Orlando, that’s your cue!

See you guys in Atlanta!

*Orlando Brown Jr comes up on stage, Baker jumps on his back and rides him off stage and out of the New York Athletic Club*

*In all seriousness, Billy Sims is going to yell “Boomer” when Baker wins and it’s going to be soooo awkward.

 

This is an excerpt from my email newsletter Bedgood’s Big 12 Bullets. You can sign up for the newsletter here.